Why should I be concerned about a smartphone for my kids?

We define smartphones as phones that also provide the ability to access the Internet and download apps, specifically social media apps. 

Smartphones are addictive - we know that as adults - and early and excessive smartphone use in tweens and teens has been proven to lead to an increased risk for anxiety and depression, suicide, eating disorders and body dismorphia, suffering academics, sleep deprivation, and exposure to pornography and other inappropriate content. (source: Sapien Labs study and After Babel)  

Smartphones are no doubt a part of our modern society, and here to stay. While the ability to take pictures, access any information, send emails, use GPS, and scroll funny videos all from one device is remarkable, we understand now more than ever before the responsibility we have to use it wisely and appropriately. A child does not have the ability to carry an addictive device around in their pocket, and not allow it to completely affect them.  

Official national data says that by age 12, seven out of ten American kids own a smartphone. They spend about eight hours online a day. Most kids will have seen pornography by age 12, with three in four teenage boys saying they watch adult content at least once a week. (source: NPR) Teenagers are getting about 200 notifications per day from their phones. 

“Preteens and teens want smartphones to fit in, be popular, and be like their peers. They want access to social media, texting, and gaming. They do not want smartphones for the Calendar app, GPS, or because they want to call a parent when soccer practice is canceled. Many adults use smartphones as tools for convenience while teens use smartphones for entertainment or as toys. Smartphones are difficult for adults to manage, but they are even more difficult for teens. A smartphone is a powerful mini-computer in your teen’s pocket that comes with all the risks of creating multiple addictions: internet addiction, social media addiction, gambling addiction, video game addiction, and porn addiction just to name a few.” (Screenstrong.org)

Why should I be concerned about social media?

Social media drastically affects young people’s ability to focus, social skills, productivity, sense of self-worth, social lives, communication skills, and notably their mental health. A Harvard study has shown that the addictive features built into social media apps have been shown to have the same effect on the brain as other addictions such as cocaine and gambling as social media triggers the same kind of chemical reaction seen with drugs and gambling – namely a surge of dopamine. (source: Harvard Study)

Even young people themselves point to social media as the reason for their declining mental health. A 2018 study of over four thousand Australian youth aged 12 to 25 reported that 62% believe that mental health of young people is declining and a plurality (37%) blame social media. Work done by the American Psychological  Association for their Stress in America: Generation Z project suggested similar ambivalence: nearly half of the respondents say social media makes them feel judged (45 percent), and nearly two in five (38 percent) report feeling bad about themselves as a result of social media use.(source: After Babel)

On May 23, 2023, US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy unequivocally identified social media as a significant driver of the ongoing national youth mental health crisis, demanding urgent and concerted action from parents, schools and Congress. Some alarming statistics stated in Dr Murthy’s recent interview with Axios are that “suicide is the second leading cause of death for kids ages 10-14” and “rates of psychiatric emergency room visits for young people ages 6-24 went up more than 56 percent between 2011 and 2020—to 7.5 million visits.” (Axios) The 2023 Surgeon General's advisory on social media cites studies saying that frequent social media use may be associated with actual changes to young developing brains, specifically in the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. The big picture is that using social media could make kids more sensitive to social rewards and punishments at an incredibly vulnerable time.

Right now, there is no foolproof solution to ensure young people’s safety on social media. Parents can implement restrictions on screen time and leverage monitoring tools like BARK, however this cannot prevent them from seeing and engaging in dangerous content. Even with the most sophisticated monitoring tools, parents are finding that catching and removing all harmful content before it is shown to their kids has proven to be ineffective. 

How long should I delay giving kids a smartphone and social media?

In short, the longer you can delay, the better. We seek to change the culture around smartphones being an elementary school graduation present and being widely prevalent in middle school. We believe in protecting the middle school years from smartphones, and recommend waiting to give social media until 16. This conclusion draws on recommendations from the U.S. Surgeon General, research from American social psychologist Jonathan Haidt and the 2023 Sapien Labs study using global data from 27,969 18–24-year-olds. The Sapien labs study shows that the later a person receives a smartphone, the better their mental health and happiness level is now as an adult. In the Sapien Labs study, the negative effects of smartphones on mental health are the steepest for younger teens (11-14) and those links are visible for both boys and girls. 

However, recognizing that families are diverse with different needs, we remain committed to being an inclusive community where anyone who is interested in delaying the smartphone for their child to any degree is welcome and included in being a part of our community of like minded parents who share this same ultimate goal. 

Are other kinds of technology like computers and I-Pads worrisome as well? What about screen time generally?

We are 21st century citizens, and as such are avid tech users. We acknowledge the benefits and awe inspiring potential of technology in our culture. We also acknowledge that sometimes screen time/using devices is necessary to get homework done or make a long plane ride bearable. However, we believe that providing children with access to any tech or screen time should come with limitations based on age and development. The two important limitations to keep in mind are amount of time spent and content consumed. Limiting time is necessary, but the content is also important. Enjoying two hours of a family movie together is very different from spending two hours scrolling content on YouTube. Also, screen time often comes at the expense of greater amounts of time spent face to face with family and friends, and benefitting from outdoor play. 

Below are some recommendations about how you can allow your kids to use technology and screen time safely and productively. 

Recommendations for children and using tech/screentime:

1. Irrespective of device, delay giving access to social media because of dangerous content.

2. Talk to your children about why you care about them using technology safely. Share the risks with them in an age appropriate way. 

3. Implement time limits on how long they may use different technology and for what purposes. Here are the recommendations from the American Academy of Adolescent and Child Psychiatry.

4. Establish the concept of “tech free zones” and “tech free times”. One example that is often cited is making dinner time/the dinner table a tech free zone. Also consider the following tech free zones/times: important communal events/moments where the experience of being present is important (for example, sports games, dance recitals) and important family time or friend time such as playdates. 

5. If you can, try to keep use of technology in a public space in your home to be able to monitor content. 

6. Establish 1 hour before bedtime as a tech free time. The blue light from the phone can impair sleep for growing adolescents.

7. Use an Internet monitoring system like Bark to implement parental controls on all internet connected devices in your home to manage screen time and filter websites.

What if I need to get in touch with my child but I do not want to give them a smartphone? Are there alternatives? 

Absolutely! There are plenty of options that can offer calling and texting if need be, and even tracking, which do not involve giving them access to the Internet and addictive apps. 

Currently, the most popular alternative/simple phones are the Gabb phone and the Bark phone. We also recommend considering a simple flip phone like the Nokia 2780 or a Gizmo watch.

If I already gave my child a smartphone or social media, what can I do now to keep them safe?

It is never too late to take action to keep your child safe.

Below are some ideas on how to make positive improvements for a tween/teen who already has their smartphone. 

1. Talk to them about your concerns and share relevant content on the topic. See our Resources page for ideas about movies you can watch together on the subject. 

2. Try device free dinners or other scheduled “phone free” times. 

3. The blue light from the phone may impair sleep. A no phones in the bedroom rule will help reduce blue light, and prevent “all night scrolling”. 

4. Trying a physical alarm clock rather than relying on the phone can also help keep the phone out of the bedroom. 

5. Include your kids in the rulemaking process. Try establishing a media agreement for your family (check out Common Sense Media’s family agreement). 

6. Turn off their notifications from various apps. 

7. Set limits on where they can bring their device. For example, you may limit their ability to bring it to school or social activities. 

8. Set screen time limits on the i-phone. 

9. Consider a social media “detox” challenge with a reward you’re willing to give at the end of it. Deleting Tik Tok or Instagram for two weeks can do wonders for a teens mental health, and they may report back that they are happier without it. 

What can I say to my child so they’ll understand why we want to delay phones and social media?

Jacqueline Blair Telgheder, founder of OK to Delay, and Certified Parent Coach®  advises the following: 

As a parent, it’s important that your message is kind and firm. Kids need authority and compassion. Try something like this: "We’ve learned a lot about the effects of screens on children. Technology is designed to be addictive and distracting, and smartphones are supercomputers! I have a hard time managing my phone use, and my brain is fully developed. Your brain is still growing and is much more susceptible to being hooked to the phone. This is true for every child, not just you. Did you know that the leading tech executives don’t give their kids phones until they are 14?! They know it’s not good for children. 

My dream for you is to be happy, confident and capable. I believe having a phone too early in life will harm you more than help you. I know that not having one will feel hard, and I know you can handle it. I believe in you."

Then, show them a short video, such as The Panda is Dancing by Max Stossel, or print an article that shows it’s not just you who thinks this! 

Essentially, this message says, “A phone is not good for you right now, and I love you so much that I’m not going to let you have one.” As parents, we often think saying “yes” means “I love you.” In fact, setting clear limits and boundaries helps children feel safe and loved. 

- Jacqueline Blair Telgheder, Certified Parent Coach®